Being thankful amidst darkness.

As we quickly approach Gabriel's first birthday, I find it difficult to be very grateful for things.  Emotions are running on high in our house and flucuate daily.

Taking a step out of the darkness and into the light I find so many things I have to be grateful for:

~ The precious months we spent with Gabriel safetly tucked inside, and the 35 minutes we spent with him snuggling in our arms.  All the things he taught us about unconditional love. All the blessings he's provided us like the coming together of family and friends, a wonderful amount of love and support, and an incredible amount of thoughts and prayers.  I'm grateful for the opportunity to have him a part of our lives despite the longing and sadness that comes along with it all.

~ I'm eternally grateful for Derrick, for everything he does for me. For being my rock when I feel weak.  He has been so supportive and helpful throughout this pregnancy, back massages, taking over housework when I just can't anymore, taking Evelyn when I've had enough, putting up with my hormonal mood swings, for listening when I just need an ear...

~ I'm thankful for our beautiful Evelyn who never ceases to amaze me.  She always knows how to melt mommy's heart and make mommy smile - even on a bad day. She's incredibly beautiful and smart.

~ I'm thankful for the two beautiful little boys still safetly baking inside. I have been blessed with an opportunity many never get to experience - twins.  I feel like its a tough road to take on many levels, but a remarkable one for sure!

~ There's so much more I'm grateful for it would take all day to list them all...  The support group I've joined, my family, my job, the January 2012 moms, my friends who continue to be there for me, my siblings, my blog followers, my doctors, my doula,  everyone who has in some way or another helped us with our wedding and preparing for the beautiful twins who will soon enter this world. For everyone who supported us through our grieving process... Like I said, the list goes on and on.

So yes, although there is a darkness looming in our lives right now as we approach Gabriel's birthday, its nice to look back and remember everything we've been blessed with in the last year and everything we are continuing to be blessed with.

On Monday I have another regular appointment where I'm hoping to talk to my OB about what she's thinking my labor/delivery is going to be like (Planned c-section, natural, induction etc).  After that we'll have another growth scan hoping that baby A has caught up some - or at least not fallen any further behind.  The babies move and kick like crazy right now, its sometimes really uncomfortable when they really get moving.  I'm hoping some of that movement is baby B trying to flip over! Come on baby, head down! Head down!

24 weeks, a long update, and the greiving process continues.

A long awaited update :)

Last week we hit 24 weeks, we also reached 100 days or less till the babies get here.  24 weeks is viability. At least 50% of babies born around this time can survive.  This is a pretty big milestone! The babies need to stay put for quite awhile longer, but at least they would have a fighting chance if they HAD to be born today.

At our 24 week appointment they also scheduled me for a growth scan.  The babies looked great!  Baby B is breech and measuring 24 weeks 3 days. Baby A however, has fallen further behind.  He is now measuring 23 weeks 3 days (a full week smaller).  I realize its only a matter of ounces at this point, but this is the baby that has given us so much worry this whole time... I was told by another twin momma not to worry till they get closer to 2 weeks difference in size. Seeing as how my doctor hasn't called me with concern I'm going to take that advice.

This last Saturday, we popped over and saw our friends at Enlightened 4d Imaging.  We got to see the babies in 3D!  We did this with Evelyn and tried to do it with Gabriel (Gabriel's didn't work since he had no fluid) but it worked ok with the twins. There's so many body parts and squishy baby peices that it was a little tough!  But we got some.

Poor little baby A is really squished in there!  He's buried way down deep in my left hip with his face pressed against the membrane that separates the two babies.  It was really tough to get good pictures of him, they certainly tried and tried though!

Baby B is in a much better position for pictures! At first he had his arm/hand covering his face but soon enough they got it to move for some great shots!

Here's a picture of them together if you can pick out the baby parts! 

 

 

I'm worried that poor baby A is gonna come out all bruised up!  Baby B's feet are right in his head and at every ultrasound he is kicking is brother in the face. You can even watch as baby A's head gets pushed to the side with each kick.  Is it possible for them to bruise eachother in there? Guess we'll find out soon enough!

 

 

Then, yesterday, I went and had maternity photos done with a friend of mine. She is a wonderful photographer who got a lot of really great pictures!  I can't pick favorites but I'll sure try!  

 

 

A huge huge thank you to Jessica Ruckowski Photography for taking such wonderful photos!  I can't wait for our next shoot together when I'm HUGE and Derrick and Evelyn can join us!  



Greiving

In 3 days Gabriel would turn 11 months old... Hard to believe that was 11 months ago. Its amazing to me how much has changed in that time and how much he still remains a huge part of our lives. I've sort of changed my tune though.  I was planning to do a huge gathering for his birthday, but now I think I'm just going to not plan anything. This could change, but I feel like his funeral was so small and personal his birthday should be too.   I have many more years that I can do something big for him.

We never really did just blurt out about our pregnancy.  We've sort of let people figure it out on their own (aside from our wondeful blog followers who knew right away).  As people find out I get asked a lot of "ackward" questions.  "So is this your first one?"  Me: "No, this is my third time through, but these will be living children numbers 2 & 3."   Another one I get a lot is "So how many kids is this for you?"  Me:  "This will be babies 3 and 4, living children numbers 2 and 3."  I find this is a subtle way to acknowledge Gabriel as my son, not make it so depressing for others and really ease into our story for those that don't know already. 

I attended my favorite support group last week where I was able to get out some emotions I've been struggling with and didn't understand - lucky for me I have found a wonderful group of people who do understand and can help me comprehend.  Its weird and I still don't really understand why I'm feeling this way.    Last year at this time we had known we were going to keep Gabriel with us till term.  We started to dread his impending birthday and started realizing how little time we had with our tiny baby.  Lately, I've been feeling dread over the impending twins birthday.  The confusing part is that this birthday should be a happy one, it should be an exciting one. Why do I feel dread? Why do I feel scared and worried?  The only thing I can think is that my brain/emotions seem to be resorting back to this stage of pregnancy at this time last year. Perhaps I'm feeling dread because last time I gave birth I didn't get to bring home a baby to show for it.  Perhaps its my subtle way of protecting my heart.

As excited as I am for the twins, I can't help but worry that something could still go wrong, that in the end I may not end up with both babies, that perhaps I'll be leaving empty handed yet again.  I notice I have struggled to truly "bond" with these babies like I did Evelyn.  Again, my way of protecting myself? Maybe.  Don't get me wrong, I love these babies, I can't wait till they are here and safely in my arms. I love feeling them move and kick and play (despite my terrible vision of baby A getting kicked in the face).  I just don't feel as attached to them as I have in previous pregnancies. Doesn't mean I love them any less, just means my heart doesn't want to be broken again.

But for now, I love my babies and I can't wait till they are here and in my arms, breathing, crying, pooping and snuggling. The emotional rollercoaster continues, and I'm just along for the ride.

Just an update.

Wanted to come and give an update on how we're doing and what we've been up to.

Not being able to see your feet is dangerous.  Last wednesday, we hit 20 weeks - officially half way there. To celebrate I spent the night in the ER getting stitches because I might be the biggest clutz ever. I tripped on a peice of frame glass in our hallway and cut my toes pretty bad.  It was painful, especially the next day when I felt like my foot/toes my fall off. I ended up with 4 stitches in my toe and some pretty bad bruising. To say the least chasing a toddler and babysitting my neighbors 2 month old has been interesting this last week.

On Friday we had our check up.  Babies hearts were beating away, I learned that I'd gained 8 lbs in 4 weeks.  Guess I got my appetite back :/  Its ok though because before that I hadn't gained much so this is a total weight gain of 14lbs. Not too bad for 20 weeks with twins.

We went in and had our anatomy scan this last Tuesday.  Both babies are still boys and are doing wonderful.  Baby A (the smaller baby that gave us the heartattacks early on) is still measuring smaller at 12 oz, has a good strong heartbeat of 139.  She confirmed both kidneys and showed us how the arteries flowing to that area as well as the big dark spots where the kidneys are located, then she started having trouble with getting good pictures of the heart because baby was moving like crazy!  This little guy is head down still and is vertical on my left side - way down low.  Baby B (the larger baby) was also moving around like crazy and is positioned diagonal across my belly butt first.  They said there is still plenty of time for that baby to flip over. He is about 13oz and his heartbeat was 144 BPM.  So we have two very active little boys on the way - yikes!  I'm blaming it on the candy corn I ate (per Evelyn's persistant requests) earlier in the day... oops.  

 



They said there is a 25% chance they are identical and we won't know until they are born.  If they come out looking alike than I will have them do the DNA test to determine if they are or not.  But, Gabriel looked an aweful lot like Evelyn so I'm guessing these two may look similar too.  Brought up an interesting conversation between Derrick and I - what if one or both of these two come out looking just like Gabriel.  Its something thats been on my mind, no doubt I worry about how I will react if that is the case.  I can't prepare for something like that or how to handle it, but I imagine its going to be difficult none the less.

The babies have been moving around like crazy but everytime Derrick puts his hand to feel it - they stop.  Poor guy wants to feel it so bad, he loves these guys so much, but they are shy... or stubborn.

We have been working diligently on the nursery trying to get it all done before we hit 28 weeks.  I made this my goal because I don't want to be huge and trying to finish it all.  We still have a bit to go before its done, but I'll show you a picture of our progress so far.

 

Evelyn seems to be starting to understand that there are babies in mommy's tummy.  I think having baby Sophia around has made her comprehend that a baby is not a doll haha.  She now points at my belly and says "baby" and gets very upset when the cat ends up in one of the cribs! "Move Boris, BABY!"  (all animals are Boris - which is one of our dogs names).

 

We are now 21 weeks 1 day.  Here's a picture of our progress (taken at 21 weeks):

 

 

 



Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month...

I just hit me, right now -  it's October.  October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.   

Last year, I was still pregnant and anticipating the loss of our baby.  I can't even begin to explain the feelings I had knowing that every year for the rest of my life there would be this month, that day commemorating our impending loss.  Last year we recieved so much support during October, people from everywhere knew what was happening in our lives and wrapped their love around us.

I will be going out tonight to find a special candle, a special candle that I will light every night this month, but also a second candle that I will allow to burn all day on October 15th. 

I can't believe its been nearly 10 months since we last saw our little man, our son.  Now, 10 months later we have 2 more coming, 2 more little sons on the way.

This month, make a phone call, send a text, let those families with angel babies know that you are there and you are continuing to think of them and their babies.  Let them know that you remember...

On October 15th, no matter what time zone you are in, light a candle at 7pm to remember those babies who we've lost.  Those babies that will never be forgotten...

We love you Gabriel, and miss you every single day.

Baby Names

For the longest time Derrick and I were only able to agree we liked 1 name.  Seeing as how there are 2 we definitely needed more than that.  The hard part is that Derrick is very stubborn about naming boys (as my sister has learned).  My only criteria is that I won't use names of people I know in real life and I wanted them to flow well with Evelyn and Gabriel.

Finally last night I cornered him and told him we needed to add names to our potential name list.  And we did, now we have many many options for our little boys and I'm thrilled that we finally have a decent list.

My plan is to go to the hospital with a few name pairs and pick when we are there. We won't be coming out publicly with our choices till then though :) Gotta leave some sort of surprise!

So now we'll narrow down the options to just a few and ponder on those until the babies get here.

That Mom.

I hate being that mom. The one who doesn't give the typical number answer when asked how many kids we have... Its hard sometimes to determine how in depth should I go when asked that question.

Do I just say I have one 2 year old and the twins and walk away? Do I say I have a 2 year old, a son who didn't make it and the twins? I hate to bring people down when they are so excited finding out I'm pregnant, it sends a negative spin on what should be a very positive experience. At the same time I feel so terrible if I don't acknowledge Gabriel's existence when I get asked.

Of course now the conversation goes something like this: 
"Are you pregnant?!?! - Congratulations!"
"Oh thank you, we're actually expecting two!"
"Oh how exciting! How many kids do you have then?"
*Insert ackward silence.*


Now, we've reached 19 weeks along.  This marks 1/2 way since we won't be going past 38 weeks.  It seems crazy to me that we are halfway through our twin pregnancy.  Its amazing the reactions we get when we tell people we are now expecting twins. Outside of our blog we haven't really spread the word around to much so people are sort of finding out one by one.

Looking forward to our appointment next Friday, then we have our anatomy scan on the 9th of October.  There shouldn't be any surprises at that ultrasound because we've already done a complete ultrasound and looked at everything.  I'm looking forward to just being able to enjoy an ultrasound for a change instead of feeling panicky about what they might find wrong this time.

However, having a fetal dopplar and measuring tape ease my fears a lot.  I measured today and I'm measuring 24 weeks and I'll only be 19 weeks tomorrow!  That means I've gained 4 weeks in only 2 weeks time! YIKES - no wonder I already feel so big!

Overall I feel really good though! Energy is ok, appetite is still in check, and everything seems to be going well!

Gender Reveal!

I hopped into bed last night and sobbed myself to sleep, but this wasn't the regular tears I was normal to, these were tears of pure joy, relief, happiness and love.  For 5 minutes I layed there and enjoyed a moment of no fear, no worry, no heartache.  I've never cried those type of tears before, not since Gabriel was born.

The reveal part of the ultrasound!
We told the tech our plan, we wanted to know if they are the same or not.  She immediately said "Yes, the are the same".  I looked over at Derrick who immediately started twitching, I started laughing "Figures."  I watched Derrick for a minute, this wasn't going to work - he is going to have to know.  So I gave in, I told the tech he was going to have a panic attack if we don't find out, let me take a look and see if I can figure it out first.

She put the wand on Baby A, I thought I could see, but I wasn't sold. After a couple minutes of looking I asked her to put it on the other baby - obvious, right away without a doubt I knew exactly what it was, I looked at Derrick:

"That's a boy! 100% A Boy!!! Hunny they're boys!!!" 

Derrick walked into a corner and cried. It was the most heartwarming thing I've ever seen, the tech said "Yes, you have two healthy perfect little boys."  And we all cried together.

I'm having a hard time being truly excited that they are boys.  Don't get me wrong, that was *almost* what I was hoping for (I was secretly hoping for one of each haha, but boys was my second wish).  I think I'm in such a state of relief that they are healthy, I feel an overwhelming sense of joy that they are perfect, I can't celebrate the fact that they are in fact our sons... Not yet. But I will, after I've celebrated that they are so healthy I'll celebrate that we will have sons to raise.