Happy 7th Birthday Gabriel!

Its crazy to think that it's been 7 years since I kissed Gabriel's face. On one hand it feels like yesterday, but at the same time it feels like a lifetime ago.  It's hard to explain, I feel like it's been so so long since I've looked over his features, but my heart hurts like a fresh wound.

Two weeks ago I was digging through photo boxes and found his ultrasounds. I dont know why they were in photo boxes instead of with all his other things, but that was my reminder that his birthday was approaching. I put them in his memory box where they should have been to begin with.

I didn't dread this day like I have in years past. In fact, I managed to push it out of my head for the most part.  I even worked this morning, I was able to mostly contain my emotions. But when I realized his Christmas lights for his tree had been chewed by a squirrel last year, panic ensued at the store when I couldnt find new solar lights.

Lucky for me I called my husband who assured me that battery operated lights would work just fine for now.  I came home, decorated his tree as I do every year.

The kids had a hard time figuring it all out this year. Evelyn cried on the way to the cemetary because she wishes she had gotten to know her brother.  The boys still dont totally understand what it all means, but they kept saying they wish they got to remember him.

When we got to the cemetary they had removed the post I put out so we could find him after snow fell....  panic again.  Where is he buried!  All around - fresh unstepped on snow. All headstones are flat there.  We began digging and I walked right to the spot where his neighbor is. Whew, crisis diverted.  We lit his tree, a couple candles and put put a few decorations.  The kids has asked to sing him happy birthday, so we did.

The ride home, emotions hit.  My heart ached and I tried my best not to cry.  I played my Gabriel music playlist in the shower and let my emotions flow.

I'm going to bed tonight thinking of my angel.  I hope he comes to see me in my dreams.  <3 p="">

Gabriel Bear has surgery

A couple years ago, the build a bear that we made with Gabriel's heartbeat quit beating. I was sad but knew I could go in and fix it. A couple years later we finally did.  Sadly they couldn't just replace the battery so I had to pull up the blog from when we did the beat originally and re-record the heartbeat.  The original recording was on a phone that had died - I'm SO glad I posted the video on that blog so I could go back to it.  Now I'll have to re-record the heartbeat and save it in multiple places.

The new recording isnt quite as crisp and clean as the original one was, but it will do for now.  If I can pull the sound better I'll just put a new sound box in the bear again.

I also decided he needed a shirt! So now my Gabriel Bear has clothes!

Strength

I often get told how strong I was through everything and how strong I continue to be.  While I appreciate the sentiment, I hope people also realize that not every moment is full of strength.  Sometimes there are moments of weakness.

Today is a perfect example.  I feel like perhaps Gabriel is trying to get my attention and I'm not sure why.   I took the kids to a local playground today.  There was also a daycare center enjoying a day out  too.  I was watching the kids play and suddenly heard one of the teachers yell for Gabriel.  There was a little tinge to my heart upon hearing his name.  Then I heard her yell it a second and a third time, all while images of my own son scroll through my mind.

I looked around, desperate to see this Gabriel child.  A short bit later I said hi to one of the teachers and we got into some small chat about the weather and whatever else.  I randomly asked how old the kids were and sure enough... Gabriel is 5.

5 years old. That's exactly how old my Gabriel would be today.  The teacher and I parted ways and I sat on the bench.  I was watching my kids happily play without so much as a pause, but also watching this boy, Gabriel, out of the corner of my eye.  I was catching a glimpse of all the things Gabriel would be doing if he were at the park with us today, how he would be acting. Communicating. Playing. Interacting with other kids.

Tears quietly rolled down my cheek as I thought of him.

As we were leaving I thought to myself, "strength?".  This isn't what it feels like to be strong. This isn't the image that I put out there for everyone to see.  In society it doesn't feel acceptable to cry 5 years after the loss. So I brush the tears away and put on a happy tune as I drive away.

Then, while sitting and editing photos at my dinner table awhile later, I received a message through Facebook.   It was a friend who had helped me tremendously after the loss of Gabriel and always had thoughts and prayers as I travelled the journey.  A friend of hers just got a Potters Syndrome diagnosis.

I love receiving these messages.   It devastates me to know someone else is beginning the journey we started 6 years ago.  My heart breaks for them and their families and I always send thoughts and prayers to these broken hearted strangers.  The part that I love - people reaching out. People trying to help others. People who remember my Gabriel and everything we went through and they think of him, they think of me.  They think of ways to help their friends, they ask for help in how to support them and things they can do.  I am more than happy to help, to listen to these parents as they walk through the darkness they face.

With tears in my eyes and a broken heart, this is how I help Gabriel live on. He lives  through me helping friends of friends, strangers via email and even in chatting to certain politicians. He lives on through me. He lives on through helping others travel this journey.

Just thinking.

Life Updates

Hello all, I haven't forgotten about you and I know I haven't been in touch.  Life is crazy and busy and it's hard to keep up sometimes!

About a month ago I attended the support group again for the first time in at least a year.  It was so nice to be back and surrounded by those who walk this journey too.  I listened as newcomers shared their heartbreaking stories of loss and where they are now.   It's tough to make it to group sometimes, babysitters and other life things often get in the way.  But there's nothing quite like finding a group of people who understand you.

I've been watching "This Is Us"  That show is quite the tearjerker and I didn't think I'd make it through after watching the first episode.    It's sort of like Grey's Anatomy to me though.  It's hard to watch, but I get attached to the story line and the characters.  It also brings some comfort to know that these shows are bringing infant loss to light and making it less and less taboo to talk about.  It's making people realize this is more common than we would like it to be and more people are understanding it.  Less people run away from me when I tell them I lost a baby, they empathize. They are more understanding.

Dear Medical Professionals

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.  I was asked what would I wish to tell a group of doctors who are weighing the pros and cons of potentially moving forward with treatments for Potters Syndrome babies.  What message would I have for them.

I would want them to know that it should have been my choice. When I brought them a potential treatment, they should have given me the outlook and let me make the decision on how far I would be willing to go to save my baby.     I would not have tortured him, but I would have been willing to put him on dialysis if it meant a later kidney transplant and survival.    The main reason they refused was because it was considered experimental and therefore not covered by insurance.   I would not have had the funds to cover the treatments without insurance coverage.  The secondary reason was that it hadn't been tried/successful before.  At least 2 doctors told me that it sounded like something that would open up possibilities but that it was unlikely to work .

I would want them to know that my son deserved a chance at life.  Babies are born extremely early and are placed in some very expensive "experimental" treatments in hopes of saving their life.  Why not my baby? Why didn't my baby deserve that chance too?  Babies are born with other abnormalities all the time that would be fatal if not for experimental treatments to save their lives.

They say it is inhumane and purely experimental and that's why we shouldn't move forward.  Inhumane?  Is the dialysis we offer to adults with kidney failure inhumane?   We don't question the value of their life, we offer dialysis, which is exactly what I wanted for my child.  My child who had no other issues besides missing kidneys.

Gabriel probably would have been a prime candidate for those treatments because he didn't have any other problems.  He wasn't brain dead. He wasn't paralyzed.  he would have lived a fairly normal life had he survived.     He would have spent some time in the NICU the same way premature babies do.  He would have been on dialysis and underwent a kidney transplant at an extremely young age.  He would have been on transplant medication for his entire life and likely would have needed at least 1 other kidney transplant.  None of those things seem inhumane.  These are things we do for living and surviving people everyday.   Yet, my baby didn't deserve that same treatment apparently.

Surprisingly to me, some of my message will actually be a part of the future of Potters Syndrome babies of the future as they get shared with medical professionals by people who have more power than me.   His effect continues on!

So Gabriel has been on my mind a lot lately.    In very good ways!  I miss him, I'm so proud to have him be a part of my life.  I'm proud to share his story and hope that he will make an influence on this world, on the world of Potters Syndrome and other kidney deformities.

Grace

It was recently brought to my attention that some people don't realize I still update this blog.   I don't do it often, as time goes on I find less and less things to talk about. I still update though, randomly and sporadically as things come up that I think I should write about, usually every few months or so.  I especially don't want people who come here looking for help to think I'm not here anymore. I'm still here.  I'm still listening.

Today I received an email and it prompted this post. It's comments and questions I get in emails often, and I'm happy to continue answering those same questions in more detail via email.  I also want to post it here for those  who may not be ready or comfortable reaching out.   It was a mom who chose to terminate when faced with their Potter's Syndrome Diagnosis.  She was struggling with that decision and had a lot of unanswered questions about a chance of survival if she had chosen differently.  She struggles with the choice to terminate instead of carrying her baby boy to term.

If you've read my journey, you may already realize that ultimately I made both choices.  I carried Gabriel to term, then at 36 weeks had to make the choice to induce labor so that I could have the natural delivery I wanted for him and to hopefully get to see him before he passed away.  I made both choices, neither choice was easier than the other. We also chose comfort care for him, meaning we wouldn't intervene to try to keep him alive  longer - we already knew what the outcome would be.   I often wonder what would have happened if we had chosen to put him on life support, maybe his lungs would have developed enough to keep him alive. Maybe he could have lived long enough to qualify for a kidney transplant.  I don't dwell on this curiosities though, because I know at this point there has only been 1 long term survivor of BRA, and that survival is one that is well beyond my understanding. Babies with the same treatment have not survived.

So there's a few topics I want to chat more about here.

You are not alone
First things first. I'm not here to judge the path you choose. If you chose to terminate instead of carry to term, you can still contact me for questions or support. I feel like maybe I've isolated those who didn't carry to term, and that was never my intention.   Regardless of the ultimate choice, you have to make the decision that is best for you and your family in the moment.  No matter what that choice is, it's the right one.  Regardless of what that choice was, it was a hard one.  Neither direction is an easier route than the other.  If I could tell these mom's one thing, it's please do not dwell on the choice you had to make.   It was a personal choice, one you had to make for yourself, your family and your baby. You had to dig deep and think long and hard about which direction to turn when both paths lead into a deep dark scary cave.

Grace
I'm told often how gracefully I handled the pregnancy and life of Gabriel.  The truth is it wasn't always graceful, but I allowed myself that. I gave myself  the grace to allow weak moments to happen naturally and doing that gave me space to be recomposed for the next moment, whatever that may be.  This is a journey that most people cannot fathom. You've had to hear words and make choices that most people can never grasp.  If you are just on the start of this long journey or maybe in the middle, give yourself grace!  Give yourself grace to be weak, to be a mess. Give yourself grace to stay in bed a little longer to cry. Give yourself the grace to grieve as long as you need to. Give yourself the grace to smile if you feel it, or laugh if it happens.  Give yourself grace to feel whatever emotion you are feeling as you are feeling it.  Give yourself that grace because when you come out of that weak moment, you are going to come out recomposed  and ready for the next moment whether that's a happy one or sad one.   Little by little those weak moments will be less and less, but you'll find yourself stronger and stronger.

Surround yourself with people that are going to give you compassion.  People that are going to join you for a cry in bed for a few hours before pushing you into the shower because you stink.  People that will pull you in for a hug when you break down crying as you walk by the baby section of the store.  Nobody can tell you the right or the wrong thing to think or to feel right now.  Know that what you are feeling is whats right for you.

Milestones
Another milestone is approaching. As I scroll through my Facebook newsfeed lately, I've been seeing a lot of kids going back to school.  Evelyn will be going back in a couple weeks and joining 1st grade!!  I have a 1st grader!!

What that also means though, is that Gabriel would be starting his school journey this year. He'd be entering preschool.  That is a little hard to swallow for me.  Some of the milestones we've already passed were easier than I anticipated. I dread his birthday each year, but last year I sat and looked through his photo book as I remembered kissing his face. I cried, I laughed. We set up his tree and had cupcakes.  This milestone however, feels a lot like his first birthday. Like a huge setback in this journey.

I watch as other kids get excited about their new adventure, as I wonder past the school supply aisle, I wonder what backpack he would have chosen. What would he want on his lunchbox?  What things would he want me to pack for his snacks?  Would he want a ride to school or a ride on the bus?  What would become his favorite subject?

All these things come to mind as I ponder who he would be today.  And when I take Evelyn to school in a few weeks, I'll wonder what it would be like to be dropping him off too.

These milestones never end.  As soon as I work through this one, It'll be a point in life when he would be graduating Kindergarten, then entering 1st grade, then graduating elementary school, eventually driving and graduating high school.  I'll always wonder who he'd be today.

Thoughts for all your moms who travel this journey alongside me.

Updates

It's been so long since I've posted an update. It's not because I don't want to or don't have anything to post, but time is hard to come by these days and it's tough to find time to post anything!  I'm continuously contacted by parents who have found my blog that are looking for resources, some one who understands.  Although it is hard to swallow sometimes, I'm always grateful for them reaching out.  Sometimes I wonder if I've really given them everything I can.  I hope that what I have offered is enough to help them get through.

A few months ago, I was strongly considering volunteering as a photographer for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS).  They are the organization that provided a volunteer photographer the day Gabriel was born.  I went with another photographer when there was alert of a baby born with a different fatal condition.  I brought my camera and watched her work, so sensitively, carefully shooting some of the only images this family would have of their precious and beautiful daughter.  I had told the photographer my story prior to going in the room.  I shared with her the story of Gabriel and told her that if I stepped out, don't worry about me - I'd simply be gathering myself.   Walking in was hard, but soon the lump in my throat began to go down as I shared with these parents the story of Gabriel.  They soaked it in.  Possibly the first interaction they had with someone after they lost their precious child.  I held it together, I learned a lot.  I completely lost it on the way home.  It took a long time for me to recover from that experience.  It hit me even harder than I had anticipated.  Since then, I haven't had it in me to officially sign on.  I hope to someday, but I'm still recuperating from that experience now and it isn't easy.

Part of the reason for being MIA on my blog and MIA from NILMDTS and MIA from group and MIA from the cemetery is because my own photography business has taken off and I'm busier than I ever imagined I could be. Did I ever tell you that I incorporated him into my business? My logo has two stars in it, one for him and one for the baby we miscarried. Just a random side note for you.   I've also been busy chasing 2 adorable boys who are gaining independence and a precious girl who just graduated from Kindergarten.

She graduated Kindergarten.  How on earth did that happen?  My goodness, mom always told me not to blink or I'll miss it. I guess I blinked. She's getting so big. I wonder what it would be like with Gabriel graduating pre-school and going into Kindergarten next year.  I hadn't thought about the fact that he'd possibly be starting kindergarten next year. Ouch.

As I mentioned, I haven't been to the cemetery recently, although I plan to go soon.  We live farther away now and it's not as accessible. Beyond that though, I feel like he's here with me.  I feel like he's around and going there is simply to check in and make sure his spot is cared for.  Sometimes I do feel the need to be close to him, but I have the container with his hair hanging in a shadowbox above my desk, thats about as physically close to him as I can get.

Our support group took a bit of a break for a few months, but the last few they've gotten together.  Sadly I keep getting tied up in so many other things, I haven't been able to go back.  I'm hoping to attend this month if I can find a babysitter for the evening.  I want to go back as I feel like I do have a lot to talk about, it just hasn't worked out for me recently.

I browse the Facebook app "on this day" which takes me back to the early days of my activity on Facebook.  Usually I look forward to the memories and anticipate which milestones the kids hit on any given day.  Recently I've seen a lot of my blogs showing up.  I read them.  I go back to read about whatever stage I was at on any given day.  Most of the time I can't believe I wrote the words I read, did I write that??? I guess I did.

I logged in to my blog today and was shocked to see the number of reads my blog has now. 145,767.  Woah, that number is SO much bigger than I ever anticipated it would be.  It was started with intention of keeping friends and family updated, I had just got my + pregnancy test for Gabriel when I decided to start this.  It turned into a blog about healing and grieving because, well... life.   I can only hope that every single person that clicks on a link for my blog has learned something. Has taken something away from it, (preferably something good - see a few posts back).  I hope they are able to understand better, feel comforted if they are in a situation and fearing the loss of their child.  I hope they are warmed by the words I sit down and write each time.  It's sometimes hard to read, it's really hard to write. But I know someone is reading it and learning, understanding.

If you are reading this post, I hope you'll email me, or comment.  Tell me that you understand better. Tell me something you learned, whatever it is. Tell me you read it.  Let me know that I'm helping someone, somewhere.

I still feel Gabriel with me, although not as much a before.  I always know when he's near me though,  I don't know how I know, I just do.  I always ask him to be near me when something big or nerve wracking is happening, and I always feel comforted.  My favorite though is to stand in the warm sprinkling rain, I look up at the sky and think of him, his smell. His face.  I always feel closest to him when it rains.

I guess it's time to end this ramble.  I have one child in bed sleeping, one cuddling up next to me and one losing it because he is overtired.  I wonder what Gabriel would be doing in this scenario.

Confusion

I'm always in a state of confusion.  I definitely don't feel like I'm finished having babies. We have 3 beautiful kids, but I'm not convinced that I'll never be pregnant again.  I'm not convinced I'll never hold my newborn or breastfeed again.  However, my husband is DONE. He's sure he's done, and is adamant about it.

4 months ago, my very close friends had their little baby.  6 weeks ago my brother had my new nephew.  Last week my best friend came over saying she wants to settle down and have a baby/family.  My sister is working towards adopting. A couple of our other friends have recently been talking about adopting and now, we got a call that our 2 other friends are pregnant with their first baby.  That means literally ALL of the people I am close to are expanding their families.

I've come to the conclusion that I'll never feel complete. Gabriel isn't here so I'm really not complete.  Doesn't mean I will or want anymore kids, just means my heart isn't whole.  After talking to some people I've come to realize that it will likely always feel that way, I will always feel like something is missing, unfortunately having another baby won't fill that hole, it won't suddenly make me feel complete.  

So now that I'm surrounded by pregnancy, infants and adoptions and have no plans of having more babies of my own anytime soon if ever, I'm going to sit here and wallow in the sadness that I feel for a bit and then I'm going to enjoy every moment that nears us closer to the freedom that comes with kids growing up.  I'm going to focus on my new workout regimen and get myself happy and healthy.

I'm grateful for what I have, I just never envisioned struggling so hard 4 years later with each pregnancy announcement that comes by.  Maybe someday it'll be easier.